Monday, March 30, 2015

The Cost of Carrying Resentments

I have been studying a variety of modalities in my quest to rebuild my life after being in Colombia.

It has taken me several years to discover some new things, even at this age.

And a few are old ideas revisited.

About a decade ago I went to a Radical Forgiveness Ceremony in Phoenix, taught by Colin Tipping.

There I learned the importance of forgiving all those people that I had viewed as "doing me wrong," or that I wanted to blame for some negative aspect of my life. It was a huge shift for me and I made a leap forward in my personal growth.

But clearly it wasn't enough. Today in another class I was advised that failing to completely release those 'old feelings,' that a re-telling the stories of those events only perpetuates the negative energy and it sticks to you/me. There is another aspect to forgiveness and that is 'forgetness.'

So I have an assignment this month; to list all those people I forgave for something and for once and for all to release the event or memory into the cosmos so I am clear of it forever.

After my mother died, it took me four years to address and bring out a negative thing with someone that was preventing me from fully grieving her death. What a relief when it was released!

Recently I had the occasion at a family event to see a man I was married to for almost eight years. We  created two wonderful children who are now two fabulous adults.  We were able to laugh and joke and be the two individuals we needed to be for the circumstances, with a few shared memories to pass on. I hope he felt as I did, that we were a valued part of the tapestry of the woven history with nothing disagreeable to mar the joyous event.

But there are other folks in my past with whom I need to finish things and forget...maybe not forget them, but certainly forget whatever might be negative between us.

If every resentment could actually be weighed, I wonder if it would be like that albatross from "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner" by Samuel Taylor Coleridge, where the psychological burden of (in this story) killing a bird of good luck becomes a curse to the sailor telling the story.
Image result for albatross
Image result for albatross
You have probably heard the expression "like an albatross around his/her neck," meaning the problem is so weighty it is a heavy burden or penance (either actually or imagined). The albatross is actually quite a large bird; it has a wing span of 11 feet! So a dead one would weigh a lot and stink, too.

So it is with resentments.

I''m working on them, and in days to come perhaps I will have some more stories to share. But probably nothing quite so dramatic as the Rime was... read it recently?

Ah ! well a-day ! what evil looks

Had I from old and young !
Instead of the cross, the Albatross
About my neck was hung.

Friday, March 13, 2015

Absence makes the heart...

Solmar reservoir is full right now; source of my water.
Have you missed me?

I've missed you, my dear readers. But my life has been significantly challenged with a car that needed a new transmission. Which, once it was fixed, needed to go back in again because the frammis was rubbing up against the jixmas and causing the gears to wobble and they needed to replace the flabgesty so that didn't happen anymore.

(If you didn't understand that, it's because I didn't either... all I know now is that it is finally fixed right.)

These two segments of four-day repairs had me living somewhere other than in my own house with good internet access, so I didn't even try to write here.

Spring has come early to the Olympics and bees are buzzing around all kinds of flowering flowers, shrubs and trees. But our water situation is not good. The mountains only received about 20 percent of the snow required. (It must have all been shipped east to Boston and points north!)

I continue to enjoy the delights of a loving relationship with F and the challenges of it as well.

But if there is anything I am significantly grateful for it is hearing news that my 17-year old grandson is OK after totaling his vehicle yesterday.
Deer are boldly coming into neighborhoods to feed on
new plant growth; they are fearless for the most part.

As I listen to the birds and watch the bees, I realize how precariously we are connected to life and how if this accident had happened in any other way I might be grieving deeply.

And I completely understood how my daughter was feeling, because my own 17-year old son did just that same thing years ago, causing his angels to work overtime as well.

Perhaps boys of 17 should not be driving because they do not appear to have the same abilities to multi-task that girls of that age do. A glance away at something else, just long enough to distract and require over-correction can be the instant of change.

It is a reminder that when we are behind the wheel, whether alone or driving with others, we have a huge responsibility to pay attention to the task at hand - driving. No texting, no getting directions, no passing toys to toddlers, no turning around to see where something is in the back seat, etc.

Bus drivers are not allowed to even have music on their busses because of the potential distraction, and they are carrying upwards of 40 people to their destinations.

There are so many things to pull our attention away... personal concerns, business issues, weather challenges and global news to suggest a few areas. As parents and grandparents we have the obligation to add to our instruction repertoire the importance of staying focused.

"Be here now," not be partly here and partly there... because your absence from my life will make my heart very heavy.

Thursday, February 12, 2015

What's your reality?

My son sent me a movie for Christmas.

It was "Inception," with Leonardo DiCaprio.

Have you ever heard of it? I had not, and so postponed actually getting around to watching it until this weekend.

Released in 2010, it's the story of a guy who has made his living stealing ideas from people's subconscious and, like any good script, there's a twist at the end.

But in a way it arrived at just the right time and waited until I had come to place where addressing the issue of reality, dreams and being positive reached a critical point.

In my life there has been a pattern of trying to control that which is uncontrollable. Thanks to the co-dependency created by childhood experiences, I was a life-long worrier and had unknown anxiety issues. Some of that came to light when two years ago I discovered that my 'battery' (adrenal glands) was failing.

All these decades of living off adrenaline and worrying had taken their toll.

Thanks to hypnosis/counseling, many of the issues of the past have been laid to rest, the positive shifts are having good results and I'm hopeful for the future on many levels.

We've had so much rain that the bluffs are
being eroded. Interesting to see, but a little
scary walking near them.
Hypnosis is all about getting down to the subconscious level and establishing new neural pathways to change behaviors for lifelong results. Not dissimilar from the movie... except that I don't think my counselor was stealing my ideas for monetary gain. Only planting new ideas about getting more exercise and drinking more water.

But the movie did stir up some anxiety... how easy it would be to get into a brain and create an individual with vastly different core beliefs and life objectives.

Only that wasn't really what the message was... when I go back to some 'interpretive' training about movies, it was clear that the woman (representing the church) felt there was betrayal since the main character, a man, strayed from religious structure by venturing into new, unapproved areas... and the man was challenging the concepts of life and death with this adventure.

This would indeed be scary for the church because if people believe that we create our own reality, that all we do is connect by our 'dreaming' our future, then the church must significantly change it's way of controlling the masses, because free-thinkers are not easily brought under the thumbs of those with restrictive thought.

And when I ponder the concepts I've been re-visiting, it is clear that I have less need of a structured church and more need for the exploration of ways of bringing my mind into focus so that I am creating my reality in a positive way.

That's really what I've been doing a lot of anyhow - intending, visualizing, dreaming, imagining. And it's the creative artist in me that then produces something... a meal, a picture, a dress. But it applies to everything else as well, I'm discovering.

Ahhhhh, well... tonight I am just enjoying a reality that does not include shoveling tons of snow and sending out warming thoughts to my friends and family who are deep into it.

Monday, December 22, 2014

I dreamed of you...

And then we met.

Sundays will always be an extra special day for me because you came into my life on that day, my beloved.

I really did dream of you.

After years of hoping I might meet someone who liked a lot of things I like, someone who was real, a man who was really a man but not overly full of himself, a kind and gentle soul who walks on the land with an appreciation for it, a traveler, a dancer, someone who has a basically optimistic attitude and a sense of humor (he's got me laughing right now...) and healthy enough to last a few years, I've found him.

About six months ago I went to sleep asking the Universe to please let me see the guy I might meet, if indeed I would ever do so. That very night I dreamt of a tall, smiling fellow with white hair and a mustache. He smiled at me and drifted back into the ether.

Snow on the Olympic range is not lasting due to warm temps.
I was on Plenty of Fish, one of the myriad online dating sites, and had met a couple of guys who were companionable, but not "The One," and none that would pass muster with my older daughter. I was just about to give up even looking when one profile looked appealing.

His interests dovetailed with mine and he is a motorcycle rider, something I had to give up when I left Florida. I clicked on "Want to Meet" and got an immediate response. His picture was close to what I thought I was looking for, but I figured it was just going to be another meet-and-greet, possible friend for going to movies or dances, nothing remarkable.

But when he got out of his car and started walking toward me, I knew... I absolutely KNEW he was the one I dreamed of.

We ordered lattes and talked like old friends for several hours. And we are still talking and laughing, dancing, planning travel adventures and deliciously enjoying our new friendship with love that keeps on growing.

He won't be able to retire from his full-time job for a couple of years, but it will give us time to make a plan for adventures that allow us to continue to be involved in family (his and mine) and since we both love where we live now, on the Olympic Peninsula, it's not likely we'll be moving.

So in this season of giving, I give you, my dear readers, the gift of hope that no matter how old you are, in whatever circumstances you might find yourself, love is still waiting for you to discover and receive it... Happy Solstice to you all!

Monday, November 24, 2014

Adventures with Rick and Rose to the Elwha

I received a phone call this morning inviting me to go and visit the Elwha River sites where two 100-year old dams have been removed in the biggest dam-removal project ever completed. Rose, my pal and her husband, Rick, wanted to go and see how much the landscape had changed. They've been here for almost 20 years.

Port Angeles foliage; only around for a few days.
I arrived in the region just as the dam was being removed, so I never saw it in operation.

You can read more about the history of the Elwha here and see a documentary about the un-damming of this wild river. It's been a long process of fixing a river and the fish that inhabit it, along with all the tribal impacts to native peoples.

Rose leads the way toward the Elwha River.
The sun was shining in between raindrops and what I've learned about the NW is that you do NOT do something just because it is raining. For one thing, it might stop. For another, if it doesn't, you never get to do anything... so we go.

The old growth forest reaches upwards and all the leaves that were providing shade this summer are now acting like spongy carpets on the trails.

I was traveling with two folks who, like me, know the importance of leaving marks or signs so we could find our way back from river's edge because at this time of the year the leaves and downed branches make trails harder to see.

We stopped at the Lower Elwha dam, now gone, then walked over to the river's edge, then drove to where Glines Canyon dam used to be (pictures at the end of this) and then drove all the way up to the beginnings of the Anderson trail to the Olympic Hot Springs... we'll go there another time.

Information about the dams is posted at both sites.
Following the removals and the clean-up, fish began returning this fall, reinforcing the belief that if you remove the dams, they will come...

We didn't see any fish swimming upriver but there were plenty of folks with the same idea we had; to get out and enjoy the wonderful weather.
Rick and Rose looking over the former lake;
the remains of the Glines dam are in the back.

Looking over the free-running Elwha from the remains of
the dam. The silt will nourish further downstream.

New cut of the wild Elwha now the lake is gone.

New snow on the Olympic peaks...
The recent rains brought snow down to the 5000-ft. levels. There may be enough to act as a refrigerator and to keep it for awhile. It's below freezing down in the valley as I am writing this.
The Olympics feed the Elwha...

And now the Elwha may feed us, on many levels.

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Cold... isn't news

But me writing novel during the month of November is, and even more impressive is that my ten-year old granddaughter is also writing as well.

I suspect she is making better progress than I am... according to the statistics, I should be generating something like 1,675 words a day. I can just about do that over the weekend.

I haven't talked to her about her plot, but mine is about two teen-aged boys who get kidnapped by their bi-polar father and how the journey of lifetime takes a lifetime to forget.

Based on a true story told to me awhile ago, I tried to find the storyteller again and last I heard he was possibly in Tennessee, but attempts to reach him were unsuccessful. If my story gets optioned, I'll let the publishing house hire a detective to track him down.

Learning that a salmon patty is NOT gluten-free... sigh.
The other bit of news for me is that I've pretty well determined that I am gluten-intolerant.

I'm intolerant of other things, too - people who justify all their behaviors as being God-directed, waiting in long lines, too-early Christmas messages presented as "holiday" messages, public radio and television stations masking advertising as 'donors,' service people at stores who are unable to give clear directions on the phone on how to drive to the place where they work, seniors who act proud of not being able to use computers or smart phones and mechanics who don't bother to ask me if I know anything about the internal combustion engine before they start talking down to me about what they think is wrong with my car.

That's only a partial list... LOL! Seriously, after a week of eliminating ALL wheat products from my food sources (and that stuff is hidden in a lot of crazy places!) I am feeling better, sleeping better and - finally - losing weight. My final clue was a flour-based chocolate chip cookie - just one - which left me feeling bloated, thirsty and gave me a headache an hour later.

And the next day someone asked if I'd read "Wheat Belly" by William Davis, M.D. when I was complaining about not being able to enjoy that cookie. So I got it, and surprise! All my complaints and others were outlined as being a "wheat addict." I'd even told a friend recently that if I could only have two things on my menu one would be warm French bread with butter and chocolate cake with real vanilla buttercream frosting.

Chicken Almond salad with green onions and celery... yum!
So, interesting observation.... no more wheat, no more cravings after five days being wheat-free. Who'da thunk it? I've been learning a lot about how the wheat of the past, the wheat that was in my early life, is NOT the same wheat today. Did you know that scientists, in their effort to create faster-growing, more cost-effective acreage yield, have created a strain of wheat that is smaller but it is also truly incompatible with many human digestive systems?

Get this book and read it for yourself. If you are pre-diabetic, diabetic, having digestive problems, arthritis symptoms, craving sugars, feeling depressed or feeling like you can't think clearly (to name a few issues created by wheat allergies) you may be gluten-sensitive, too.

I think that when I was living in Colombia I didn't eat much food with flour in it and I was walking a lot, so it was healthier for me. But as soon as I came back to the U.S. I started eating all those things I couldn't get further south. And it didn't help that my adrenal glands were struggling as well.

So I cleaned out my pantry of everything containing wheat... crackers, flours, pastas, salad dressings with blue cheese and bread mold in them (used to ferment cheese), sausages, soups, any ingredients in seasoning mixes that might have barley malt, barley extract, dextrin and maltodextrin, corn chips and trail mixes. I'm still discovering foods and ingredients that are truly gluten-free.

I'll check back in with y'all in a week, but based on my personal research, I'm pretty sure that at the least this is going to be a healthier option for me.